The Negative Effects of Sake on the Socks of Byakuya Kuchiki
by Midnight Soliloquy
Summary: In which Byakuya's zanpakuto suffers the consequences of his naivety, Renji is a voice of surprising wisdom, socks are viciously abused, and Byakuya feels he may never be clean again.


**A/N: **Hmm, it looks like January is my fic time of the year, eh? I'm in an inspiration-y mood of late, hopefully it will last long enough for me to crank out some more fic for you lovely people!

Confession: I kinda sorta ship these two. A little. Okay, a lot. Don't get me wrong, I'll preach Renji/Byakuya to my dying day, but Sen's just too damn pretty to waste! Such nice lips. Made for blowjobs. ;) Oookay, clearly it is two thirty in the morning or I would never say such things (out loud) xD Er, so I was watching episode 256 where Rukia and Sen and Shirayuki throw that party and Haineko gets Sen drunk. And I thought, oooh boy, that'll be a fun conversation when Byakuya finds out! So...this happened.

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Byakuya grumbled irritably to himself as he hunted about the Kuchiki mansion for his wayward zanpakuto. He hadn't seen Senbonzakura since earlier the previous day, when he had left him in Rukia's care to hunt the Sword Fiend that had been causing problems in Seireitei. Ah yes, that's right…Rukia had told him of Sode no Shirayuki's plan to lure the Sword Fiend out of hiding by throwing a party. Admittedly, it hadn't made much sense to him, but then again, he had never been much for partying. He headed for the Tenth Division, where Rukia had told him they'd be holding the party, in hopes that someone would still be around that might be able to point him in the direction that his troublesome sword (and younger sister) had gone.

Byakuya did not find anyone around to aid him in his search. What he did find, however, proved infinitely more interesting. And disturbing. Passed out in the ground amidst the party wreckage was none other than Senbonzakura himself, his face in a sake dish, his clothes askew, his hair a tangled mess, and perhaps most disturbingly of all, his mask knocked aside enough to show his chin and mouth. Feeling distinctly uncomfortable and having absolutely no clue how he was supposed to handle this situation, Byakuya hesitantly prodded Senbonzakura in the ribs with his toe. The zanpakuto snorted loudly and rolled onto his back, idly scratching his chest. He must have been awake, for he seemed to catch sight of Byakuya towering above him, and his mouth dropped open. "M-master!" he stammered, and then groaned at the ringing his own voice produced in his head, bringing his hands up to clutch his face. Byakuya said nothing, merely staring down at him in stern disapproval. "I'm so sorry master!" Senbonzakura nearly sobbed. "I've disgraced you and brought dishonor to your name!" His bottom lip trembled as he rolled onto his hands and knees, touching his forehead to the ground. It was cool and even through his mask it felt good on his aching head. "Oh master, I am so sorry for my behavior! I've never been so ashamed." A wave of nausea hit him, and he struggled to keep himself from slumping to the ground again.

"Hmm," said Byakuya, lips pursed severely. He looked Senbonzakura up and down, making the spirit tremble under his fierce gaze. "Come," Byakuya said finally, "Enough of this nonsense."

"Y-yes master," Senbonzakura whimpered, staggering to his feet. The world spun around him as he tried to straighten up. Or was that just his head? "Master, I—urp!" Senbonzakura doubled over and was promptly sick all over Byakuya's feet. Byakuya froze, horrified, disbelieving. Senbonzakura moaned in pure agony and crumpled back down to the ground where he lay, unmoving, seemingly unconscious once more. Byakuya stood there, frozen, staring down at his passed out zanpakuto and the vomit all over his shoes. Sweat pricked the back of Byakuya's neck and he fought the shudder that threated to crawl down his spine. Revulsion clawed at him, and he quickly snapped his gaze straight ahead. (Lest he be sick himself, though the great Kuchiki heir would never admit to such a thing.)

Byakuya didn't know how long he stood there. It might have been minutes. It might have been hours. But he Did Not Move. Not one twitch. This, then, was how Renji found him, ankle deep in puke with a snoring zanpakuto at his feet. "Ah, taicho, there you are!" Renji called, bounding over cheerfully. "I've been looking all over for you this morning!" However, when he caught sight of what was at his captain's feet, he stopped dead. "Uh, taicho?" Renji ventured, looking back and forth from the debacle on the ground to Byakuya's barely concealed expression of absolute horror, "Are you…um…are you okay?"

"Do I look that way to you, Abarai?" Byakuya hissed with his very last ounce of patience.

"Ah, no. Ah…I'll go grab something to clean this up with. Just…hang on a minute, taicho." The redhead scampered off and returned minutes later with a large bucket of water, which his dumped unceremoniously on Byakuya's soiled feet. His shoulders slumped almost imperceptibly, and he could barely contain his sigh of relief.

"My thanks, Renji," he managed.

"Aw, we've all been hung-over before, taicho," Renji said, scratching the back of his head. "It ain't pretty, but it happens. You uh…" Here the lieutenant tried very hard to squash a grin and succeeded only marginally. "You may want to change your socks when you get home, taicho."

Byakuya allowed himself the tiniest of shudders. "Yes, Abarai," he said primly, "I was quite obviously intending to do just that. As for this troubling creature…" He looked down at the loudly snoring Senbonzakura with disdain. Renji looked upon the zanpakuto with a much softer expression.

"Don't be too hard on him, okay, taicho?" Renji said as he lifted Senbonzakura into his arms, rightly guessing that Byakuya would not want to touch that hot mess with the far end of a broomstick, let alone carry him home. Byakuya clenched his jaw and said nothing as they headed back to the Sixth Division. "He didn't know any better, taicho," Renji continued. "They've been living their whole lives in our heads or as a blade, y'know? There's no way for him, or any of them, to know the effects of alcohol on their systems, unless someone tells him." The reprimand was subtle, but it was there none the less.

Byakuya sighed. "I suppose you are right," he allowed, acknowledging Renji's gentle scold and accepting it. "Get him cleaned up and then bring him to the captain's quarters. Oh, and Renji?" He looked down at his feet in utter disgust. "Burn these socks."

This time, Renji didn't bother to hide his grin. "Yes sir."

Senbonzakura came awake slowly, finding himself in a bed, with a fuzzy head and a mouth that felt as if it had been stuffed with cotton. He was alone and confused, and, he flushed crimson to discover, dressed only in a yukata and devoid of his mask. He opened his mouth to call out for his master, when he remembered what had transpired between them earlier in the day. Mortified, he buried his face in the blankets with a groan. "You're awake," declared a matter-of-fact voice from the door, and Senbonzakura did not have to free his face from the bedding to know that it was his master. When he remained hidden in that manner for several seconds, Byakuya frowned and snapped, "Senbonzakura." The zanpakuto flinched and slowly lowered the covers from his eyes.

"Oh, master," he wailed, "I am so deeply ashamed! You shall never forgive my transgressions, I behaved so dishonorably!"

"You talk too much," Byakuya said, never raising his voice but cutting off Senbonzakura's sniffling tirade as surely as a shout. "You have behaved rather poorly indeed, Senbonzakura, and at the very least I should have you charged with drunkenness on duty and neglect of your person." Senbonzakura winced and sunk further into the bed, his hands drifting up unconsciously to cover the lower part of his face in blankets. "However, it has come to my attention," Byakuya continued, his zanpakuto effectively quieted, "that you, unused to a physical form, were not aware of the negative effects that large quantities of sake can have on your body. Given these circumstances, I am willing to withhold punishment for your…less than savory actions."

"Master, I—"

"Do not let it happen again, or I will be forced to punish your actions accordingly."

"No master, never again, I'm so sorry!"

"See that it doesn't. Now. I have heard that the best cure for a hangover is rest and fluids. You will remain here to rest and drink whatever I or any of my squad members brings to you, as we are in the middle of a fight against these Sword Fiends and you cannot afford to be in anything less that top condition. Is that clear?"

"Yes master," Senbonzakura said meekly.

"Good. I'll fetch you some tea."

"No, master, please!" Senbonzakura protested, struggling to sit up. "You shouldn't trouble yourself with such a menial task for me, especially after all I've done."

"Hush," said Byakuya, and left. He returned bearing a steaming cup, which he handed to his zanpakuto.

"Master," Senbonzakura protested again, half-heartedly.

"Drink your tea," Byakuya ordered.

Senbonzakura blushed, snuggling back into the blankets. "Yes master."

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**A/N:** Humor muse, please go away now. I want some smuts, please and thanks.


End file.
